The Magick of Fighting Fair

Anyone can become angry. That is easy. 
But to be angry with the right person,
to the right degree, at the right time,
the right purpose, and in the right way
-- that is not easy.
                                            ----- Aristotle

Rules for Fair Fighting

In a healthy community, conflicts represent a problem to be solved or managed together rather than as a contest to win or an opportunity to beat an opponent.  If one person feels like a loser that will create resentment and distance. Rather everybody should feel like they've won.

1.   First, listen to the other person to really understand where their interest lies.  Only then 
      can you team up to try to create a win/win solution.

2.  Communication should be as clear, direct and as open as possible. Don't assume that you
      understand what someone else really means; check your assumptions.  Make sure you
      aren't expecting people to read your mind. NONE OF US IS A CERTIFIED MIND-READER

3.   It's your responsibility to express your resentments or concerns as soon as you are aware
       of them, and while you can still think clearly and fairly about them. Let them ferment
       without air and light and they'll become toxic, contagious, and explosive. Saving up a list 
       of complaints and dumping them all at once is called "saving up trading stamps" and is
       ineffective at generating change, since it will feel like an assault and generate
       defensiveness.

4.  When you are in the wrong, admit it. Take responsibility to repair the damage. 

5.   Be sure you know what the conflict is really about!  Often people will be fighting about
      different issues without being aware of it. Unpack the baggage carried in loaded words.
      Make sure you REALLY understand the other side by restating their case and ask for
      feedback.  

6.   Stick with the issues. Make sure you're fighting about what you really want to fight about.
      You may be discussing "you're giving in too much to the boss and accepting too much
       overtime" when you're feeling "you're not home because you don't love me anymore."

7.   Check your own motivations.  Is the fight about what the fight's about?  Do you really have
       the community's best interest's at heart?  Are you really standing on principle or are you
       just being stubborn?   

8.   Fight with dignity and with respect. Don't stoop to name calling.  Never ridicule or make
       light of your partner's feelings. Instead, respond as much as possible with "I feel..." or "I
       want..." statements of your own.

9.   Don't "hit below the belt," that is don't hurt or overwhelm your partner beyond his or her
      ability to take it. 
  
10.  Avoid ganging up. Fights are best fought between two people at a time. Don't get in the
        middle of a fight you don't belong in.  

11.  Be proportionate in your response: Are you overreacting and making a big deal about a
        trivial issue? If you do this repeatedly, there may be a more important issue not being
        addressed.  Don't let your fights be any more deadly than necessary.   A sense of humor 
        is an important restorer of proportionality. But don't make light of a subject that should 
        be taken seriously, or use jokes to put your partner down.

A Sample of Nonproductive and Destructive Fighting Styles

Gunnysacking:    Holding resentments until they explode and you fight about everything that has gone wrong in the past six months.

World War III. Expressing more anger than you really feel just so you can intimidate the other person.

Hitting below the belt. Hurting or overwhelming your partner beyond his/her ability to take it.

Scapegoating. Fighting about an issue as a way of avoiding a more painful issue. Example: fighting about the kids to avoid discussing sex.

Gotcha' fights. Creating a phony issue to give you a chance to express anger.

Kitchen sink fights. The fighters bring up any issue they can think of just so they can "score points".

Round Robin. Continuing to argue about the same issues even though nothing has changed and you know the results are going to be the same.

Sniping and nagging: Anger comes out in dribs and drabs instead of facing reasons for anger squarely.

Nonverbal supportive messages
  

1. Define the Problem
       Make sure the problem is clear, concise and specific. 
       Can it be defined in terms of specific behaviors?
       Does everyone agree what the nature of the problem is? 
       Express facts and feelings regarding the problem.

2. Make sure that everyone has an equal chance to speak.
       All feelings are appropriate if expressed constructively (see "Rules for Fair Fighting").

3. List possible solutions.
       Be as creative as possible in coming up with possibilities.
       All solutions should be considered even if they sound silly.
       Everyone should have an equal opportunity to contribute.

4. Evaluate each proposed solution individually.
       Can the solution be realistically implemented?
       Will it solve the problem that has been defined in step #1?
       Will it be fair to everyone concerned?
       Will implementing the solution create new problems?

Communication Skills:
http://www.health.umd.edu/fsap/communication.html

Resolving Conflicts - Healthy Listening by Glenda R. Slater:
http://www.partnershipforlearning.org/article.asp?ArticleID=2248

Ten Tips for Healthy Relationships:
http://www.ksu.edu/counseling/relatn.html

Create Positive Relationships - Listening Skills Self Evaluation:
http://www.positive-way.com/listenin.htm

Social Support at Work protects the Heart by Ann Quigley:
http://cfah.org/hbns/news/support04-09-03.cfm

Healing Relationships:
http://www.actualism.org/Articles/part4.html

Healthy Communication:
http://www.lifestrategist.net/healthycommunication.htm

Creating Community of Light:
http://www.disciplelight.com/Wisdom/Community/414_creating.htm

Practicing Listening Skills:
http://www.va.gov/adr/listen.html

Ideas for Creating Community by Ruth M. Schimel:
http://www.recipesforaction.com/a_community.html

How to Enhance Communication by Miriam Adahan:
http://www.workfromhomefamilies.com/emett/page5.html